well, the past week has certainly changed things. i finished my clearance sheet, and met kamini and nikki at the stairs. i also made a few freidns as well, and they are really cool. there's nick and sarah, who have adopted me as their gay p.a. pet, and charles, the big camp gay who talks to me, and who i have recently found out fancies me (bless his little cotton socks!) and there's craig...well...

i'm really not sure why i like him, but i do. i mean, i feel all nice and cuddly inside, and he sounds like my dream man. but i know i have as much chance of going with him as of aliens invading the planet for some "hot dogs". i may have only just met him, but he does tick so many boxes: italian, dark hair, mysterious, sexy, bad boy....but i might as well stop there. should i?

i do feel awful, as me and joe have a relationship. granted, i don't think we are going out, but then again, we aren't just friends. if hes reading this, i'm sorry. but we were in some kind of odd relationship (i think the nearest thing to it would be an open relationship). i'm sure he wouldnt mind, but i don't know.

anyway, there is probs not much i can do about the situation. i mean, he is bi, but i mean, i'm an ugly cunt. why the fuck would anyone want me? i remember odey saying that not every gay man will fancy me. i knew that already, but i really want him to. i mean, i have told some people about it (e.g. alex, kamini and nikki) but the thing is, he is kind of getting it on with alex. i can't help but feeling i'm drifting in a sea of helplessness. i mean, they slept together. in my house. last night. i keep popping in to talk and various things, but a part of me is there to see him.

but hey, this is the situation that is my life. as i say, i'm one big pile of fuck-up. and i'm getting worse.

well, hello there. i'm back again, and i am now a free person, after getting my clearance sheet signed today. hopefully, the only time i should see that shitty excuse for a building is when i'm visiting to collect friends. hehehe. bye bye fuckers. also, ive got a new layout thing, so eat that bitches! hope you like it. anyway, i still havent told my mum i'm a big bouncy homo yet, but it'll happen. soon. when i'm ready. all i need to say is the words "joe isn't a girl....and i know he isn't." and that will let her know, anltough that may make her confused. anyhoo, she'll know soon.

Anyway, i spent most of today finding teachers, and talking to people. I was going to try and find kate so she could come up to my house at the weekend, but she had to go home, so i couldnt find her. poo. but i did talk to kim, and my old english teacher, who is ace cos she is a rebel. anyway, i've volunteered (yet again to shut my mum up) to help out at school doing things. well, it gets me out of the house, doesn't it?

So, my haircut isn't too bad. It felt awful to have it all shaved off, but I get to grow it and dye it bright green (the colour of this LJ, to be precise), and i'll get scaffolding in my ear, cos i wanna. am listening to papa doom, dont ask why, but it sure is wierd. well, a bit too wierd really, but what the hey.

well, i've just had a joyful conversation with my mother about my locks. i'm going to get them trimmed tomorrow to my usual size, but my mum wants me to get a number one. for those of you that don't know what that means, its hair cut to the shortest level. now, ive done short hair before, and i looked a chav, and an idiot for that. but, yet again my mum had got my guiltiness, and i've reluctantly agreed. she wnt take me back, but i feel horrible. my hair is my identitiy, and i'm going to lose it...
why the fuck am i going on about hair? well, i dunno really. but, i still feel horrible. it seems my mum is trying to force me back into what i was. well, she can't. i've grown from a little cunt who annoyed everyone, to a gay cynic who likes a bit of emo music and has a white stripes fansite. i think i'm more than that, but thats all that comes to my mind right now. i think this period is just a minefield of horror. my mum is trying desperately to kick me out, and i dont want her to as i dont have anywhere to go, but i do want to get out of there for a while. but where can i go?
i suppose i am a fool - trying to tip toe around my mum by sacrificing parts of me, in order to stay in a house where i'm just not welcome. and i've not even told her i'm gay yet, but its delayed as "stuart" is staying, and i wanted to have a heart to heart alone to tell her.but, no matter how much of a cliche it may be, i am what i am, and no-one can stop me being that.
ive been reading around, and it appears not many other people are having a good time. i mean, i watched close to tears today as carol vorderman made a tearful tribute to richard whitely. it wasnt the thing itself, it was just i could see someone falling apart in front of my eyes, and that always makes me sad. there are other people, but i won't mention, as they may get angry. but i've been reading around, and i hope things sort themselves out.
anyway, for the next month or so i'll be wearing a cap all the time. laugh if you wish at my life, but i couldn't care if you do. really. if i did, i wouldn't put my views on here, would i?
So for the moment, i'm just sitting, listening to a sexy gay messiah sing about his cravings. You're probably not, but who cares? Its all a bit silly in the grand scheme of things.

well, sorry for lack of updates. am back on now, so hopefully i should update a bit more often. anyway, i went to the ace school gig on friday, which had the guilty pleasures (ace), dead to sin (ace) and the neon hearts (just pure shite really.). We started with D2S, and they did die my bride, which was cool, and lots of other metal related songs, which were good, but scared the bejeebies out of me. and they played some of their own stuff! it sounds quite good! after that there was another band, cant remember what they were called, but lots of people started moshpits and a wall of death. the concert was then: stopped. yes, thats right. they stopped a concert because there was a wall of death. i wandered over to cath, james, harry, sam and tom and we laughed when mr webster gave his big speech "we wont have violent dancing here!" we also watched with fun as he tried to calm everyone down, and tried to ruin the concert. he failed miserably. james admitted it was probably them who started it, as they seem to start things like this. hehe.

after the second band had finished, another band came on with a big ego. they obviously thought they were playing wembley, as they loved themselves. the music they were playing was ok, but their egos damaged it. i got some orange for james (some meaning about a bottles worth) and i gave him hardcore kia-ora, which is just dilute and no water. he drank it, and regretted asking me to get him one. after the big egod band had finished, there was a break and i rushed off with gemma trying to find camini and talked to people i knew (i was zipping about as all my friends dont seem to stay in one nice place and all organized.). after that, the neon hearts came on. i've just found out they are fakes, as there is another band called that - they have cds out as well! anyway, they came on with a girl and she started singing (sorry did i say that? i mean slaughtering) ticket to ride by the beatles very badly. they then moved to on to murder american idiot, all the small things and other songs people enjoyed. me and james put our fingers in our ears, it was that painful. it was no suprise to hear someone shouting "PISS OFF!" and kayleigh joined in shouting "YOU'RE SHIT!". sadly, the band kept playing, and when they had finished, there was no applause. at all. they looked shocked. haha.

after that sad excuse for a band, the guilty pleasures came on. they played lots of songs, including my fave ramones tune (forgot what its called) where everyone jumped like mad and moshed and other things. i took pics with my phone, and even though they are blurred, you can just make out who it is. there was a stage invasion during the set as well, and lots of water thrown. at the end. there was a wall of death, and i went in, and it was actually quite fun. i left the gig with my voice in tatters. rock on people. \m/

anyway, am happy as i have an mp3 player (albeit 5 months late) and the matrix online as well! but i am slightly angry at my mum as wehn i told her i might be going to see a counsellor for my depression, she started shouting and saying i didn't have it, and that i was only depressed when i wanted to be. bitch. anyway, i'll leave you.

sorry if i havent updated, ive been busy. i did get the job at greggs, but ill talk about that later. right now i dont feel good. i don't know why, but after hanging out with kate at lunch, i felt very down. i dont think it was her as i had great fun, but.....well, i dunno. all i do know is that i'm close to crying at the moment. crap. it started after lunch, then i went to find cath to cheer myself up. unsurprisingly, she was there with her boyf (cute couple). we talked for a bit, then she went, and when i caught up with her, she went back. it was as if she was trying to avoid me. also, odey gave me a dirty look. maybe they just don't like me anymore, maybe it just me. i kinda knew that me and cath would probs stop being friends, as i'm always paranoid, and she barely sees me now. i just didn't want it to happen so soon.

anyway, i'm typing this for god knows what reason, and hoping that i can hold one to at least one of my friends from grammar. i'm not even sure josh is friends with me, and if he is i doubt it for much longer, as sam (caths brother. boo.) might try to make him hate me. i dont know sam that well, but he might. also, bee tried to talk to me as i was waiting for my bus. i just ignored her, but then she got her "posse" to come along and poke fun at me. dear god, i was feeling like shite when they arrived, and they only made me feel worse.

and as for hannah and odey, well i'm not sure about them. odey shows sometimes that shes my friend, but then kinda does the opposite sometimes. and hannah, well i havent seen her, but i hope we are friends. i'll leave you now to do whatever it is you want to do.

hello. last night i got a bit freaked out and by the end of the night i ended up with my face scratched to pieces, and a very big bump on my head. i won't say much, as its too personal, but there was a fair bit of crying and trouble last night. anyhoo, ive deicded to post to bring you this very special message:

as the radio is finally up, i'm looking for music to play. if you are in a band or know someone in a band, then send one of their songs to me and i'll try to play it during my shows. just email it to me using the usual addy. anyhoo, fa has happened so i shall leave you know. good-toodles.

wellity wellity well. havent posted in a week, so i might as well. am incredibly pissed off at bethan cos she stole my blue band, and is generally a bitch 24/7. am currently talking to my good freinds james (doman) and kate. james is telling me how he saw a gay couple in the mall and they were kissing, and he thought they were very nice etc. and kate hasnt said anything. anyway, school was quite boring, but i did my drama exam on tuesday and got the day off school, which wasn't too bad, even though the trucks crashing held everyone up. but we had to do our play in front of the chief examiner which was a bit bleh.
anyway, on friday i did a little dancing at ballroom dancing classes. twas very fun and i enjoyed it, even though it was with mrs lowe, who has the armpit monster living on her and wears no deoderant. she didnt smell too bad though, and wasnt too bad a dancer. after that i went to waterhouse (home of all things water based and house-like) and found the perfect prom jacket. its all black and prettyy, but it costs £130. still, it is perfect, so i shall save up and buy it in time for the prom.
hannah talked to me yesterday as well, which was very nice. we talked about her slitting up with ross, and howe i had changed, and she has FINALLY listened to the cd i gave her months ago. still, i think we have made up, which is lovely. also, a warning to you all - the radio server is nearly ready, so i will be broadcasting my self on the net within a week. keep posted for more details and a zip ifle of my first show. so keep your eyes on my site. add it to your faves if you must.

hello. am currently writing and looking on the famousmales forums at pics of jake gyllenhaal...*drool*...and listening to electric six's new album, which i bought today and its ace. anyhoo, i had the flu this week, and had to stay off and watch 4 learning and other crap. when i had got all better, i went back to find that i needed to hand in all sorts of coursework including maths with mrs "i-am-secretly-a-man-who-used-to-go-down-the-mines" frudd, and drama cousework. not much happaened until friday, when i went to town with hanna and louise. we had a mcdonalds, and laughed at anything remotely funny, including jokes about my little pony. when we got it out of its small pack, we laughed even more at its hair coming from wierd places. and they say mcdonalds is meant to be harmless fun...
well after that, we went to reef, where hanna and louise looked at skirts and other girl related things, and kept saying "this would look good on you" and asking what i thought of things. after about 5 minutes they got bored and wnet downstairs, where i had a look at the clothes and was persuaded to try them on. it started with an innocent green t shirt, but went into the brightest pink and green tshirt ever, and when the shop man got involved, i wore it with a brown jacket. it actually suited me, so i may buy it in the future.
anyway, we got onto the subject of my prom suit, and i left it to hanna to ask if they had any light pink jackets. sadly they didnt, so i started looking at shirts, and found a nice blue one. i tried something else on, then amy came along and i had to show her the shirt. while i was getting changed back, there was a conversation right outside between amy and the shop guy. it went a bit like this:
shop guy: hmm, yes if he polishes those shoes i'm sure it would look great. maybe one of you lovely girls could do it?
amy: oh, i'm sure he'd rather YOU do it....
shop guy: oh, well i can't i'm busy tonight. and i'm very expensive.
me: amy, what the hell are you saying out there?
anyway, i bought the shirt hanna and louise recommended for me, and it looks tres nice, mostly because i also picked it out as well. so part 1 of prom suit is finished now. joy. after that the girls went home, and i went home as well. i went home, went on net and played games, watched road trip, and went to sleep. then i woke up, and decided to buy something, so i got dressed and went to town. i also went to mcdonalds (oh no! *gasp*) and waited in a line of 6 townies, then ate my chicken nuggets in peace outside with the pigeons. ok, that sounded sad. anyhoo, i got my cd and my mothers day present, then went home, and started writing this. it took me 3 hours to write this, but the delay was because i was listening to songs and reading webcomics. i shall leave you to do whatever it is you want to do. good-toodles.

hello. this new diary is getting to be a bit of a habit. oh well. anyhoo, i'm currently listening to radio 1 for some odd reason and reading the archive of Scary Go Round. don't ask me why, i'm just trying to delay having to do my coursework. anyway, i'm noty particulary excited about having to go back to school, as i went during the hols to catch up on - yes you guessed it, coursework. i watched the (s)hits this morning and dfound that 2 different people are realeasing the SAME SONG twice. oh god. and it's not even a good one. the only lyric i can hear is "ive been trying to get your moooneeey". goldigger. both are just clones of call on me. again, for the second day running, i hear spinning of graves.

but enough on the destruction of music. i have a lot to do tomorrow. this includes being bored out of my brain and having to listen to ppl sayin "are you still gay?", "do you like girls?" and the classic "do you wank?" the last two are just crude and stupid, and the last one is asked mainly by boys. very worrying. i will also have to put up with the homo-hater (i say that because there is only one person) and him asking crude questions as well, while he takes pictures of my friends and stalks them. sicko.

anyhoo, enough of my moaning. it isn't going to make it better. i have the good things as well - my friends, and the packet of snacksize cornflakes with free milk to eat. it even has a snappable spoon. genius. anyway, shall leave you. bye.

1. Kissed your cousin: um...no!
2. Ran away: tried to
3. Pictured your crush naked: yes
4. Had sex: sadly no
5. Broken someone's heart: dunno.
6. Been in love: yep.
7. Cried when someone died: yes. ive been told i was very loud.
8. Wanted someone you knew you couldn't have: yes. its called "fancying a str8 person"
9. Broken a bone: i fractured one. does that count?
10. Done something embarrassing: lots of times. i cant not do something embaressing
11. Lied: no (thats a lie :D)
12. Cried in school: i try not to

which is better..

13. Coke or Pepsi: the joy of pepsi
14. Sprite or 7UP: 7up
15. Girls or Guys: guys. i mean, duh! girls are nice too, but not in that way
16. Flowers or Candy: le fleurs
17. Scruff or Clean shaved: scruffy. hmmmm....roughness
19. Bitchy or Slutty: bitchy
20. Tall or Short: medium
21. Pants or Shorts: pants
22. Night or Day: night. day is sooo boring. all there is on is trisha

with the opposite sex..

23. What do you notice first: eyes
24. Last person you slow danced with: no-one
25. Worst Question To Ask: eee ya?

the last time you..

26. Showered: about to go into one
27. Stepped outside: 2 days ago
28. Had Sex: are you trying to poke fun at me or something?
29. Romantic memory: um...about 3 weeks ago
30. Your Good Luck Charm: pot noodle
31. Person You Hate Most: camera-phone-stalker-boy and all townies
32. Best Thing That Has Happened: me living...i suppose...i dunno.
33. On your desk: phone, digiradio, printer, comuter, screen, me, a mouse, a tissue, and a spray can of jasmine air freshener.
34. Picture on your desktop: clangers, whom are ace.

favourite..

35. Color: um...dark purple
36. Movie: dougal and the blue cat. its so wierd and random
37. Artist or band: i dunno. theres so many!
38. Cars: vw polo
39. Ice Cream: you scream, cos i dont like it.
41. Breakfast Food: ricicles
who..

42. Makes you laugh the most: odey when i read her diary, cath, josh, catherine h and all other friends
43. Makes you smile: josh
44. Can make you feel better no matter what: hanna
45. Has A Crush On You: i dunno.
46. Do You Have A Crush On Someone: no
47. Has it easier? girls / boys..? um...crossdressers.
48. Gives you A Funny Feeling When You See Them: ben, mostly because he smacks my arse every time he sees me.

do you / have you..

49. Sit/Sat by the phone waiting for a phone call all night: no way. not that desperate
50. Save AIM conversations: no
51. Save E-mails: well obviously its what it does automatically
52. Forward secret E-mails: ???
53. Wish you were someone else: um no...cos i wouldnt be me!
54. Wish you were a member of the opposite sex: yes. just to know what it feels like for a girl.
55. Wear perfume: sometimes
56. Kiss: yes
57. Cuddle: lots
58. Go online for longer than eight hours at a time: no. mostly cos we dont have broadband
59. Fallen for your best friend?: no
60. Made out with JUST a friend?: yes
61. Kissed two people in the same day?: no
62. Had sex with two different people in the same day: um...no. havent even had sex.
63. Been rejected: lots
64. Been in love?: nope
65. Been in lust?: oh very much so! i'm in lust with you. hmmmm computer. *growls
66. Used someone?: no. thats evil and sick.
67. Been used?: no
68. Cheated on someone?: no. again, evil and sick.
69. Been cheated on: no
70. Been kissed?: haha no
71. Done something you regret?: um yes.

who was the last person:

72. You touched?: who do you think i am? michael jackson?
73. You talked to?: oh, josh
74. You hugged?: cant remember
75. You instant messaged?: josh
76. You called?: cath, she didnt aswer. grrr
77. You yelled at?: cant remember, as i seem to yell without realising.
78. You thought about?: in what way?
79. Who text messaged you? cameron
80. Who broke your heart?: jonno
81. Who told you they loved you?: no-one. i know, boo hoo

do you..

82. Color your hair?: not allowed to. grrr
83. Have tattoos?: am getting one!
84. Have piercings?: no, but i want one through my lip
85. Have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: not anymore
86. Own a webcam?: yes
87. Own a thong?: ewwwwww. no
88. Ever get off the damn computer?: sometimes when i have something to do
89. Sprechen Sie Deutsch? ja
90. Habla espanol?: no. i can say open though: abre and close: sierra i learnt that off Dora The Explorer
91. Quack?: no. i am a geese.

have you / do you / are you..

92. Stolen anything?: no
93. Smoke?: cigars, yes, but they look good.
94. Schizophrenic?: schiszothrenic? am i? yes. really? umm....no
95. Obsessive?: no!
96. Compulsive?: agaun, no. youre not pinning me down with OCD
97. Obsessive compulsive?: now i get you. you are trying it arent u
98. Panic?: lots. i'm also paranoid
99. Anxiety? see above
100. Depressed?: sometimes

now to reward you, heres a funny picture:

well, last nite the aceness of the bravery were on TOTP and were followed by.....crunk. the only thing that mnakes me want to rip my organs out of my body is songs like "goodies", which has the line "You won't get no nookie or the cookies". OH. DEAR. GOD. don't bring delicious biscuits into the equation. anyway, i had to put up with half a minute of "lil jon" saying how crunk will "blo yo' mind" (i dont think so.) and how crunk rock is next. no bloody way. its bad enough having an awful rap on one song or other, never mind having that guy from the destiny's child video saying hes the soldier while being accompanied by slipknot (never happened but if this new fangled crunk takes off, verrrry likely). anyway, watched NME awards last nite. twas hosed by that guy from spaced, which is verrry cool and i need to get the boxsets for it.

so, i woke up this morning at 8 am and tried to call all of my friends i had phone numberts for to see if they wanted to come and see spongebob squarepants or the magic roundabout. i got an endless amounts of answerphones, and no-one has called me back. oh well. so will do my usual act at the weekend and do coursework and be bored out of my own skull. still, i always have TV and music and shite. and also i have my tickets for V2005, which aren't actually on sale yet, but i shall buy them so yayness.

what the fuck was i moaning about? oh yes. thats right. top of the tops. after the crunk warning, G4 came on and started singing bohemian rhapsody. a little message to those boys: youre shite, and everyone knows it. and you've murdered an awesome song. i swear to god, you could hear freddie mercury spinning in his grave...anyhoo, shall leave it here. toodlies!

well, hello. am currently sitting here writing this and listening to the bravery's new song, which is ace. haven't done that much - just sat in and watched some telly and went on the net.. *sigh* my life is like sooooo boring. going to school tomorrow for IT GCSE coursework catch up - finger is better and has stopped bleeding (it was bleeding b4 when i cut it with a knife and it wouldnt stop fucking bleeding) and have also lost my fucking blue laces for my emerica shoes....balls! so i will be wearing them with the other set of laces (a lovely white) and stuff.

am about to make some hot dogs (why the hell do they call it that?) and eat them and watch the music channels (mostly TMF cos we are poor and have freeview) and then get ready. bye.